


you taste so bitter (and sweet)

by jaeson



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Homesickness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-15 01:21:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11795475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeson/pseuds/jaeson
Summary: Three times Guanlin is stressed/frustrated and is comforted by one of the WANNA ONE members, leaving Jihoon jealous, and one time Jihoon gets to console the younger boy.





	you taste so bitter (and sweet)

**1.**

Guanlin isn’t usually the type to get stressed – or at least not when he was living in Taiwan, but ever since he joined Produce 101 and then subsequently got to debut with the program’s final idol group, that has changed.

Every time he enters the practice room he feels somewhat suffocated, mind going as fast it can, trying to learn all the different moves and memorize all of them _and_ where he has to stand while doing them. On a good day, he only comes out after having one mental breakdown, on a bad one, like today, he is immensely exhausted after not having even gotten one move right.

He knows his members don’t judge him for it. They always tell him that and try to help him when they notice he’s struggling but he can’t help but feel guilty when he sees how behind they are on their training schedule, mostly thanks to him.

When he enters the car, he sits down next to the window, resting his head on it. Guanlin welcomes the coldness of the glass, he closes his eyes to cherish the feeling fully.

“Hey, are you alright?” Jihoon whispers, suddenly sitting next to him, a soft smile gracing his lips.

Guanlin just nods, returning the boy’s smile with a weak one of his own, not really in the mood to speak in Korean, even more so because he isn’t sure if he can bring out a sentence that would make sense. 

Jihoon doesn’t seem to mind his silence. He just rests his head on Guanlin’s shoulder, Jihoon’s hand taking a hold of his and intertwining their fingers together. Jihoon softly strokes his thumb over Guanlin’s knuckles for a few minutes until he falls asleep.

Guanlin takes comfort in their usual skinship, sighing as he looks out the window.

***

Their arrival at the dorm doesn’t take long. All of the members pour out of the van in different volumes of loudness and in different states of sleepiness. Guanlin is more on the quiet and awake side while Seongwoo, who is being half-carried by Daniel, is on the “I’m about to pass out” side of the scale. The younger feels guilty because he knows Seongwoo is this tired because he had helped Guanlin all afternoon, tried to appease the angry choreographer and had to learn the new dance himself too.

The guilt makes his fists clench.

Jisung opens the door for them, shushing them so they don’t wake up the neighbors. Their manager checks out the hallways, looking for any lurking fans, and then, when he sees no one is there, leads them up the stairs.

They enter the dorm quietly and agree for Minhyun, Daniel and Seongwoo to use the bathroom first. Guanlin really doesn’t mind, he is pretty sure he isn’t going to be washing up today, anyway.

He follows Woojin into their room, takes his blankets and pillows and goes back to the living room. Jisung looks at him confusedly, mouthing a “what are you doing?” as he sees him lay down on the couch.

“I’m sleeping here tonight,” he mutters, tongue feeling heavy in his mouth.

“I see that, but why?” Jisung asks, furrowing his brows at him. “We’ve got a really long day tomorrow. You should rest well and comfortably. You’re way too big for this couch, Guanlin!”

“I don’t deserve sleeping on my bed today,” he replies, fidgeting with his fingers. “I kept all of you from learning the second half of the song and made a lot of mistakes, I don’t… I should sleep on the couch, as a punishment, so that I do better next time.”

Jisung just shakes his head, wrapping his arm around one of Guanlin’s shoulder while he rests his chin on the other one.

“Guanlin, seriously, no,” the older boy says as he starts to draw circles on his arm. “None of us were in our right mind today and made a lot of mistakes. We didn’t move on because we weren’t ready for it, Jesus, even Woojin couldn’t dance properly today. You don’t have to feel guilty at all.”

“But –“Guanlin wants to reply but Jisung doesn’t let him.

“No buts,” he quips. “You’re sleeping with me tonight.”

***

In the end, Guanlin really does sleep on Jisung’s bed – Jihoon looks at him weirdly as he leaves his own room, saying that he is going to spend the night with their leader.

Jisung cuddles him like a little baby, lulling him to sleep with his endless talking, stupid jokes and soft pats on his back. It makes him relax. Seongwoo and Daniel, who are sleeping together in the other bed, also comfort him, telling him how proud they are of him for improving so much in such a short time.

The last thing Guanlin says before he sleeps is “thank you for comforting me, everyone, I love you”.

**2.**

There are three things Guanlin needs to have to be completely happy. The first one is, of course, his family and friends (technically he knows they are two different things but he puts them into one category anyway).

The second thing is food. Without food he wouldn’t be able to survive and most of it tastes pretty damn amazing, plus it gives him enough energy to go through his tight schedule.

The last one is sleep but that’s exactly what he hasn’t gotten in the past week.

All of them go from schedule to schedule and then, when they finish that, they go to practice and lessons, when those two things end too, he has to go to his Korean class. He’s glad he hasn’t gotten the same tight schedule as Daniel and Jihoon, although he feels just a tad bit jealous, because he would probably faint from exhaustion if he had.

The most hours of sleep he has gotten this week were three. It’s safe to say that he is pretty done with his life. He even keeps nodding off in between of their training breaks, which is unusual for him.

If he could, he would immediately drive to their dorm and face palm straight into his bed, not getting up for the next two months. It doesn’t help that today out of all days, they had to shoot a commercial and the advertiser wants him to dance “handsomely”.

He has been wrecking his brain for at least ten minutes trying to think how to dance so the advertisers feel satisfied. Guanlin feels a foreign feeling spreading throughout his body.

His heartbeat starts to quicken, he feels a bit dizzy and kind of like he can’t breathe, millions of thoughts cluttering his brain. He knows he is slowly losing control over them. Most of his thoughts don’t even end before the next one comes only milliseconds later.

“Hey, are you okay?” Guanlin knows this voice, _Jihoon._

“Uh, yeah, y- yeah,” he mutters, sucking in a deep breathe without looking at the older boy and making his way into the waiting room, sitting down on the couch, taking a hold of his knees, trying to calm himself down.

“You’re pale, do you want some water?” Guanlin glances up to see Seongwoo in front of him, kind smile and frown on his face. “You good?”

“Yes, very good, very relaxed,” he hates his accent for betraying him – the members know that whenever his accent gets thicker, he is nervous and this time is not any different, he is nervous, anxious even.

“Okay, kiddo, tell me what’s up,” Seongwoo sits down next to him, easily wrapping himself around Guanlin like an octopus, weirdly, it makes him calm down. “I’m all ears.”

“W-Well, I’m feeling angsty,” Guanlin answers, looking anywhere but at Seongwoo, who begins to caress his back comfortingly. “They told me to d–dance ‘handsomely’! I can’t even dance p-properly on a g-good day!”

Instead of what Guanlin had expected (e.g. a warm smile, a clap on the shoulder telling him not to worry about anything, maybe an offer to help him) Seongwoo laughs. He laughs and laughs and laughs. It makes him feel betrayed because he had just opened up to him and this is the responds he gets. He can’t help but ball his fists again, neatly cut nails piercing his skin.

“Guanlin, hey, look at me,” Seongwoo says, placing his hands on Guanlin’s cheek.

He tries not to actually _look_ at the older boy, even holds out for a whole minute, before Seongwoo gets tired of waiting – Guanlin is impressed he held out such a long time – and firmly, but carefully, guides Guanlin’s face with his hands so that they are staring into each other’s eyes.

“No matter how weirdly or stupidly you would dance in front of them,” Seongwoo begins with a soft smile. “You still would look handsome anyway.”

Guanlin feels himself blush at the compliment. He averts his eyes from Seongwoo’s face again but this time he is not mad, he feels happy.  Happy at being praised by his band mate.

“Exactly, this smile is perfect,” Seongwoo laughs, excitedly bouncing on the couch. “If you look at the camera with this gummy smile while you dance, believe me kid, you’ll have thousands of girls swooning after you.”

Guanlin shakes his head, face even redder than before as he laughs along with the older boy.

Seongwoo lets go of his cheeks and instead engulfs him in a playful hug, swinging from side to side whilst they sit on the couch, stopping when he spots Daniel and Jihoon watching them from the door, Daniel with his trademark bunny smile and Jihoon with – with that weird look again. Guanlin doesn’t know what it means.

“What did you do to the poor boy that he is this red?” Daniel asks as he joins them on sofa, arm easily wrapping around Seongwoo’s shoulder.

Jihoon stays at the door, his arms crossed as he watches the scene play out in front of him. Guanlin tries to catch his eyes, to ask if everything’s alright, but he can’t.

“Oh you know, showering him with compliments to charm him,” Seongwoo responds, for a second letting himself melt into Daniel’s side before he stands up again. “I’d love to keep cuddling here with you, Mr. Kang, but Mr. Lai and I have some business to attend.”

Seongwoo has Guanlin’s hand in his hold in less than a second, then he tugs the younger boy to his feet and drags him out of the room, Guanlin’s shoulder slightly touching Jihoon’s, as Jihoon turns around to look at them.

“Now, now, I’ll teach you some popping for your CF, yeah?” Seongwoo beams at Guanlin with a toothy grin. “Pay attention.”

“Before that,” Guanlin interrupts suddenly. “Thank you.”

The older boy waves him off happily and proceeds to try and fit ten years of popping knowledge in two minutes. 

**3.**

Guanlin stares at the item in his hands incredulously. He can’t believe it – It… it’s broken.

He can already feel tears threatening to spill as he keeps looking at _it._

 Guanlin touches the torn paper, trying to figure out a way to repair it – to make it whole again – to make all the pieces of broken glass become one again – to let the faces on the picture be recognizable again – to see his mothers face reflecting back at him with a large smile again.

His shoulders shake with almost sobs as he touches all of the picture’s pieces, trying to find them all in the clutter full of glass, tiny pieces of wood from the frame and at least a dozen pieces of paper.

“Guanlin…” a soft voice from behind him says.

He knows all the members are looking at the mess he is right now, looking at him as he loses the last piece of his sanity. Guanlin doesn’t turn around, frantically collecting the pieces of photo paper from the floor.

A hand on of his own stops him. When he looks up to see who it is, Minhyun is looking back at him with worried eyes.

“You’re bleeding,” the older boy points out as he lifts Guanlin’s hand from the floor. “Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah?”

Guanlin can’t find it in himself to protest, so he just nods. Numbly standing up and letting Minhyun drag him through the crowded door – all of the members looking at him with pity – and to the bathroom.

Minhyun makes him sit down on the rim of the bathtub while he searches for disinfectant, some cotton and a band aid. It doesn’t take long for him to take Guanlin’s uninjured hand again and ask him to grit his teeth while he washes the wound with water.

Guanlin is in a trance-like state while Minhyun then softly dries, disinfects and puts the band aid on his right hand. He doesn’t feel anything.

“You know you can cry if you want,” Minhyun suddenly says, cautiously looking at Guanlin from under his eyelashes. “We won’t judge you for crying. We know how precious that picture was to you.”

Once again, Guanlin doesn’t answer. He just looks down at the floor in front of him, biting his lips as he tries to suppress his emotions, to not let them out, to not let them win over him. Of course he’s sad, that picture… it was the only printed out photo he had of his family. His father had sweated bullets while trying to sneak it in when he came to visit him on the Produce 101 set. It was the only thing that he had to remember them now that his phone was taken away, his only connection to them.

“I… I just don’t understand,” Guanlin whispers, finally looking up at Minhyun. “What does this person gain from breaking into our dorm and destroying our things? Destroying that picture?”

“I don’t know, Guanlin,” Minhyun sighs, smiling sadly. “Some people do shitty things for no reason.”

He nods, his sadness now being replaced by anger.

“But don’t worry, the managers will find out who did this,” Minhyun tells him, hand now comfortingly on Guanlin’s shoulder. “We’ll also find a way to print out another one, I’m sure Seongwoo can use his handsome face to convince the manager to let us go out to a cyber café or something.”

Guanlin smiles at that, grateful that Minhyun is looking out for him, even if the person who had broke into the house had also destroyed some of his personal items, like the teddy bear he had gotten from Jonghyun or the letters from the NU’EST members.

When they go out of the bathroom, Jihoon and Jisung are on the couch. The moment he sees them, Guanlin knows they had been nervously waiting to see if he’s okay. While Jisung looks relieved when he spots Guanlin coming out with a small smile on his lips, Jihoon stares at him with squinted eyes.

He brushes it off, not wanting to try to find out what it is at the moment, and just sends him a small grin his way.

**+1.**

Weeks pass before Guanlin feels something akin to sadness again.

The group is busy with various shoots (variety and music shows, some photo- and CF shoots as well), recording for their next comeback in late September and practicing another new choreography that he is so exhausted that he always just comes straight home, crashes onto his bed and immediately falls asleep without washing up.

Thankfully though, some of the members get time off on a Wednesday while Daniel, Seongwoo, Jisung and Minhyun go to film another variety. Most of them take the opportunity to go visit their families, the managers giving them a ride, leaving Guanlin alone in their dorm.

At first he had welcomed the silence since it didn’t happen quite often in a dorm full of 11 boys but well, after a while it had become too deafening and boring. He misses the usual amount of noise

Right now, he is lying in his bed, back towards the door as he looks at the wall with the newly printed out picture of his family. Guanlin looks at their faces again and again; sometimes he even traces their features with his fingers. 

He curls in on himself as he stares at his sister’s face. Who would have thought that he would miss her this much?

Ever since they were kids they had fought every day, no matter about what. There was no day his mother wouldn’t have to mediate between the two of them either because of a toy, stolen food or one of them having slapped the other. This continued up to their teens, Guanlin always teasing his sister for having a new boyfriend every other month while his sister spread his childhood videos around his school to pay him back for the teasing.

He laughs at the memories, noticing only at this moment how stupid their fights were. How much better they could have spent their time together, how much more Guanlin could have shown his appreciation for her.

Before he knows it, he has silent, hot tears running down his face. If anyone was in the dorm, he would wipe them away as fast as possible and ignore any lingering homesickness, but since he’s completely alone, Guanlin lets them flow down his cheeks in a steady stream.

His smiling mom catches his attention then. Just by looking at her, he can almost smell her cooking – Jesus, he misses it so much. No matter how much he liked Korean cuisine, nobody could win against his mother’s food. She is the best cook Guanlin has ever met. He wishes he could eat it again, that he could eat it while looking at her running around in the kitchen, asking him if it’s tasty over and over again until he answers, that he could it eat while she smiles down at him and pats his head as she complements him for eating the food so well.

Guanlin’s tears are now beginning to be accompanied by quite sobs. He turns around in his bed, leaving the picture on the other side, trying to stop himself from crying as he sits up. No matter what he does, he won’t be able to meet her anyway.

“Guanlin?” he hears a voice shout out from the living room.

He is terrified when he listens to it. Guanlin doesn’t want the other boy to see him like this, to see him being emotional over some picture.

Even if he wants to answer, he can’t. Another sob escapes his lips without him wanting too.

“Are you in here? I brought you some Taiwanese –,” Jihoon stops at the door, the bag in his hand falling to the floor as he spots Guanlin on the bed.

The younger boy is pretty sure that the sight Jihoon is seeing is nowhere near pleasant nor pretty, what with Guanlin’s bed mussed hair, puffy, swollen eyes and red cheeks. He grabs a pillow from his bed and tries to hide himself behind it, avoiding the other boy’s eyes.

Jihoon is in front of him in less than five seconds, his right hand removing the pillow in one swift motion before he knees in front of Guanlin, worried eyes scanning the younger boy up and down, trying to figure out if he’s hurt anywhere.

Guanlin shakes his head as if to silently answer the question. He is so, so tired of crying alone.

He throws himself into the older boy’s arms. Jihoon is taken aback for a minute, almost losing his balance but he seems to catch himself in time for the both of them not to fall on the floor.

Guanlin buries his face into the crook of Jihoon’s neck, sobbing silently as he hugs him. Jihoon just wordlessly embraces him back, caressing his hair as he whispers sweet nothings into Guanlin’s ears. For some unexplainable reason, Jihoon’s voice calms him down like some healing balm for his heart. 

It takes a lot of time for Guanlin to finally calm down but Jihoon sticks with him through it all, hugging him tightly until he stops crying and isn’t holding onto the older like he’s his only lifeline.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”  Jihoon whispers.

“Homesick,” Guanlin mumbles, his answer muffled by Jihoon’s shirt but he’s still pretty sure Jihoon is able to catch it because he replies to Guanlin’s statement with a soft “ah”.

“I don’t know if it helps but I… My mom made some Taiwanese soup for you, she said she was sure that you’d be missing home if all of us had left you home alone to visit our families,” he tells him, Guanlin knows he must be smiling by the tone of his voice. “She scolded me for that, too, you know, told me to bring you home with me the next time.”

Guanlin laughs at that, Jihoon’s mother had always been great to him.

“Do you… do you want to eat it, Guanlin?” Jihoon asks, carefully dissolving the hug to look directly into Guanlin’s eyes.

Instead of replying, he just nods, a smile forming on his lips.

He lets go of Jihoon, standing up from the floor and helping the other do so, too. Jihoon grabs the bag he threw down on their way to the kitchen with one hand while he holds Guanlin’s own hand with the other.

Jihoon makes him sit down on one of the chairs in the kitchen while he warms up the food in the microwave. It doesn’t take long before he brings it to him. He sets it down in front of Guanlin and hands him a spoon. Guanlin knows the other is nervously waiting for him to taste it.

He recognizes the soup to be a beef noodle soup, one his mother used to make on his father’s birthday since it was his favourite. He sighs contently as he eats a spoonful. It feels just like home.

“Thank you,” he says when he is done eating; he had finished the soup in only five minutes.

“No problem,” Jihoon grins at him. “Feeling better?”

“Yes, much better,” Guanlin beams triumphantly. “But it’s all thanks to you and your mom’s soup, I owe you!”

Jihoon waves him off and glances at him with bright eyes, his grin sincere.

Somehow while staring into the other’s eyes, Guanlin is reminded of the weird way Jihoon had looked at him lately. He figures that since no one is here anyway, it’s the best time to ask about it.

“Jihoon, I wanted to ask you something,” Guanlin announces, cautiously analyzing Jihoon’s reaction but not sensing anything out of the ordinary. “You’ve been looking at me with this… unusual glimpse in your eyes these past weeks, but only in certain occasions, is something wrong?”

Guanlin can see the way Jihoon tenses in front of him. The older boy gapes at him for a few minutes ere he stands up and points at the living room. He gets up too, following him to the couch.

“What… do you mean exactly?” Jihoon queries, squinting his eyes at him warily.

“Well, you have this strange look in your eyes and I can’t figure it out, but I don’t see it very often,” Guanlin admits, his tongue swipes over his lips as he tries to remember when he saw the look on Jihoon’s face. “Like when I slept over at Jisung’s after I was feeling down because of practice or when Seongwoo and I were on the couch at the Yo-Hai CF shooting…. Oh! It also happened when Minhyun and I got out of the bathroom after what happened with that fan.”

 When he looks at Jihoon, he is aware that the older boy knows exactly what Guanlin is talking about.

“Well….” Guanlin patiently waits for Jihoon to answer, putting a hand on the other’s knee, encouraging him to talk with gentle caresses. “I was jealous.”

“Jealous?” he repeats.

“Yeah, jealous, I was just… really… really jealous,” Jihoon smiles sheepishly at him.

“But why?” the younger boy can’t help but ask.

“I wanted to be the one that’s there for you when you are sad,” he admits, Jihoon’s hand now on top of Guanlin’s. “I wanted to comfort you after practice and cuddle with you until you felt better, I wanted you to open up to me about what was happening during the CF. I also felt kind of bad because I asked you if you were okay and you… seemed not to want to talk to me. That time with Minhyun, I just felt really bad because I didn’t reach out to you when you needed me the most. Seeing someone else provide you with that comfort made me feel unreasonably mad.”

Guanlin takes in all of the information, trying to understand everything. He, surprisingly, feels proud for being able to make Jihoon jealous because of stuff like that, like he has come one step closer to making his unrequited crush not as one-sided.

“Why didn’t you talk to me when you were sad or angry?” Jihoon snaps him out of his thoughts.

He already knows that he has a blush on his face (the tip of his ears are probably red from embarrassment, too). Just like Jihoon was before, he gapes at the other for a few seconds.

“Because I don’t want you to see me sad,” Guanlin confesses with a defeated sigh. “Since I like you, I only want to show you cool and funny sides of me.”

Jihoon laughs at him, nose crinkling cutely. Guanlin doesn’t know if he’s laughing because Guanlin just confessed his feeling and is being ridiculous or because he… is happy.

“Ah, I’m so stupid,” Jihoon breathes out between giggles. “I like you, too! We could have been together for such a long time if we had talked about this earlier!”

Guanlin finds himself laughing, too. Nervousness replaced by giddiness and butterflies in his stomach. He catches the sight of their hands, Jihoon’s on top of his, and then intertwines their fingers, happy with the view in front of him.

“Hey, now that we know we like each other,” Jihoon begins after his laughing ceases. “Please… talk to me when you’re sad. I will try my best to comfort and love you.”

Guanlin smiles down at his lap while nodding, squeezing Jihoon’s hand softly.

***

The next time Guanlin feels homesick – after the hosts of a certain variety had asked one too many questions about his family and Taiwan, he immediately seeks out Jihoon when they arrive at the dorm, wrapping himself around the boy like an octopus until he feels like he can breathe again.

Jihoon just looks at him warmly as he steers them towards Guanlin’s bed, promising to ask his mother for another one of those soups and praising him for coming to him while they cuddle.

As they are snuggled up to each other, Jihoon sprawled all over Guanlin; he thanks all of his lucky stars for the present that is Park Jihoon in his life.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading this! i'd appreciate some feedback in the comments if possible!


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